In Love With Tragedy

Men=depression

2011-03-31T18:08:00.000-07:00

I haven't heard from Lewis for a week now, and don't have his new phone number of course. A friend said "he told me not to give anyone his # and he said he will call you." Yeah, right. More like "he said to not give you his # and leave me alone bitch." I know we supposedly weren't "dating" but we've been exclusively hanging out for 3 months straight. I'm more hurt that he can't even be bothered to call me than I am that he obviously doens't want me. I wake up crying, I cry myself to sleep, cry at random points during the day. I can't function, have no energy to do anything at all. Fuck, this fucking sucks. I've come to the harsh realization he doesn't want anything to do with me. It would just be nice to hear it from his mouth instead of ignoring me like a stupid teenager!

Freaking the fuck out

2011-03-26T18:26:00.000-07:00

So, I talked about Lewis on the last post, how he got mad cause of his ex and told ME off. So, last I heard, around 5:30 last night, he texts me that he'll talk to me tomorrow (today) and needed to be alone. Ok. So, I text around 8 to check in and his brother Donny texts back saying Lewis gave him his phone, it's now his, and he drove to Idaho to see his best friend. No clue when he would be back, he has no phone, was gonna drive over the pass at night in his crappy car alone. He will be checking in with his bro tomorrow probably. At first I thought it was Lewis messing with me,but I called later and Donny is on the voicemail. So I text a mutual friend who is really close to Lewis. After talking with her (she had no clue he left), she called the friend he was supposed to go see. Lewis talked to him last night, but he hasn't seen him at all.
This is where I'm freaking out now. Lewis gave his bro his phone, told him to tell people he left town for a few days if they call, took off alone, at night, with no phone, over the pass to see a friend who hasn't seen him at all. Fuck! His female friend doesn't seem concerned, but I seem to be the only person who is worried as all hell. Can't do anything about it either...I just pray that Lewis is ok is all

Been too long...( and this is super long!)

2011-03-25T17:12:00.000-07:00

God, I have alot on my mind lately, so I'm going to try restarting this once again. Let's start with Lewis, the guy I've been hanging with since New years eve this year. He has "ex issues" seriously-he has 2 kids he doesn't see and his recent ex is 7 months pregnant. Ever hear of condoms, dude?! Reminds me of my sister-"I love you, so let's make babies we can't take care of." Idiotic people. Anyhow.
Lewis can get really bitchy sometimes. We aren't really "dating", at least not when he's sober. When he's drunk, I'm his gf, he loves me, wants to live with me, etc etc. Never when he's not drunk though, which isn't often. He drinks EVERY Friday and Saturday night when he's not working, and even then, he sometimes goes to work at 5 AM still drunk. I knew he drank when I met him, but not that bad. I showed up at the bar last Friday night around 10 PM (after he promised we would hang that night and didn't answer my calls and texts) and he was wasted-couldn't see straight, couldn't hardly stand, and he wanted to leave. I did the right thing and took his keys so he couldn't drive. Then I had to follow his ass around all night because I care. I ended up driving his car to my house at 12ish when he got kicked out for fighting a guy twice his size.
The main thing that bothers me is he seems bi-polar sometimes, honestly. One day, he's asking my advice and wanting me to help him do stuff, or just hanging and seeing a movie. The next he's telling me he's in a bad mood and women suck, and not to talk to him today or I should never bother talking to him again, as if it's my fault, because he's pissed at one of his babies mamas! Or we make plans to do something (movie, bar, hang at his house, get coffee) and he ignores me phone calls and texts all day, then gets angry when I blow up his phone. We had plans to go to a show at a club in Seattle about a month ago. He kept telling me he really wanted to take me and was all excited. I don't hear from him all day that day until it's time for the show. He texts me and says he is staying home cause he doesn't want to drive and "goodnight." Then I got a phone call at 3:30 AM that he was drunk and wanted to come over. I had the beginnings of pneumonia and tried telling him how sick I was. He got so angry and whined like a little bitch to come over because I was home alone. So, stupid me, I let him come over, at 4:30 AM. He told me he was getting some Nyquil for me, but never did. I asked where he was all night and he said "around, but not at the show." A couple weeks later, he let slip about going with his brother and friends to that show. Fuck dude.
It's like that all the time. And I'm dumb and sit around and wait for him to call, or pick up my phone when he drunk dials me. His thought is "I'm calling YOU, not someone else, so be happy." When we are at the bar, he expects me to watch him kiss any girl he wants and he will ignore me all night. I should feel good, cause he's taking me home with him. WHAT THE FUCK??!!

I know I should just walk away, but when lewis is sober, he can be really sweet and a good guy (85% of the time.) We've discussed that we're not bf/gf or whatever and that we're not hanging with other people. Although I looked at his phone last week and a girl I haven't met but he swears is a friend ONLY, sent a text something like "I'm napping, come on in when you get here. Want to see you." What am I supposed to think of THAT?

I just don't know what to do. He just found out he may be getting his 4 yr old daughter back and wanted to clean up his life for her, yet told me earlier that he's going out and getting drunk tonight, no doubt about it. When I mention it, he gets pissed and says not to talk about his kid. UGH!!! I can't win...

OK, I feel about 3% better now. Next posts won't be quite so long haha!